And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
