If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
