you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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