she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
