I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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