i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
