Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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