At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
40s are totally the cure
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
