Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
kristin has been a bad kristin
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
