I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
