Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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