I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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