he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
