Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
