You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
