NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
