She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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