im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
