It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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