She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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