you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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