My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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