I want to make a zoo with you.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize