Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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