my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
