Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
