wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
