Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
