My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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