You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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