i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you will always have a special place in my vag
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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