I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
