I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
