i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
