Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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