Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
