I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You are a genius and a whore.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
