turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
