just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We don't watch enough power rangers
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
