Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
