Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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