I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
