He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
