i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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