Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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