talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
