Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
