I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
