Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do vagina's smell?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
