matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i will never coherently bang her
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
