Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
