just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
