you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize