I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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