He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
pop tarts are not kleenex
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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