he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
