i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
