If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
