i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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