Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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