I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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