yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
